A Horse of a Different Color: My Reply to a Senator

Saeed Abedini.

Heard of him?

He's kind of a big deal. He's been imprisoned in Iran for a year now. Why, you ask? Oh, because he's a Christian and was building an orphanage.

What a horrible man, right?

Well December 4th, 2013 was Save Saeed day. A day when thousands of us banded together to flood our senators, representatives, and president with letters requesting work towards Saeed's release. I sent a letter to my senator, who shall remain nameless.

I told him about Saeed and asked him to help use HIS power to make it happen. The response was about nuclear power in Iran and how he loved working for our state...(see at bottom of this blog).

I was more than a little angry by this response. It has NOTHING to do with Pastor Saeed! So, at the advice from a friend, I decided to send him a reply as nonsensical as his. After all, he did say he looked forward to hearing from me.

This is what I sent. (WARNING. It's ridiculous):

Dear Senator,

As you replied to my letter and addressed nothing even close to what I’d written about, but only wasted my time with a long letter that made no sense to me, I decided I could do the same.

Unicorns with purple horns are the rarest of unicorns. They, like ducks, are only pretty when males, as the females with purple horns are not the glorious white but actually a muddy brown - often mistakable for regular horses. Which gets me on the subject of purple ponies, but that really is a horse of a different color. Did you ever watch the Wizard of Oz? My favorite scene was the one with the horse changing color. Can you really dye my eyes to match my gown? Jolly old town!

Do you know what goes with purple ponies? Glitter. Glitter and rainbows and Christmas elves. I would love to have a personal glittery rainbow that would take me from location to location the way leprechauns do - would your office look into that? I think people would really be willing to fund something like transporting rainbows. Especially if they glitter. They’d have to be careful on how they inserted the glitter though, as if it gets loose it would be everywhere, and no place of business would want to be covered in glitter. Come to think of it, houses wouldn’t either. So it would have to be glitter infused, where the glitter was in the magic rainbow gel and wouldn’t fall out. Also, that way business men and women wouldn’t get glitter on their smart and snappy suits. I wouldn’t mind being covered in glitter though, as you see I am a Christmas elf. Or just a regular elf. Help me, Senator ***, you’re my only hope. That’s a Star Wars reference - I hope you know that, you have to be in touch with things like that to be cool.

I met a duck once, and it took bread from me. I like ducks. I’d like to think I’d like platypuses, but I’m pretty sure the whole “poisonous” thing makes them scary. Isn’t it weird that Disney chose one of the most poisonous animals to make the totally normal Perry the Platypus? Now all the kids want a platypus, but can’t have one. Of course, Lion King makes kids think that lions are super friendly but with potentially evil, black-maned uncles. Thing is, lions with black manes are actually less aggressive, so Scar wouldn’t necessarily want the throne. He’d be content to eat the food.

Really, Senator ***, I wonder if our letters are even read, as the reply you sent me had something to do with nuclear issues in Iran and nothing to do with Pastor Saeed Abedini. Do you look for buzz words and address those? I am not concerned about American-Iranian relations. I’m concerned about an American who does not belong in an Iranian prison when he was allowed in by the country to do exactly what he said he would do.
I am concerned by my Senator sending me a pointless letter in reply to a real issue.

Thank you for your reply Senator, I have replied in kind.
I hope it gave whatever intern checked it over a good laugh.


Sincerely,
Kelsey

We'll see if I get a response.

WARNING. HERE IS HIS RESPONSE. IT'S RATHER DULL. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Dear Kelsey:
It is good to hear from you about American-Iranian relations. I appreciate you sharing your views on this important topic.
On June 15, 2013, the Iranian people elected Hassan Rouhani as their new President. President Rouhani campaigned on a moderate platform, promising moderate reforms without threatening Iran's supreme leader or its institutions. In lieu of this, the international community has renewed hope for improved American-Iranian relations.
I still maintain my position toward Iran's nuclear program -- Iran cannot be allowed to obtain a nuclear weapon. I'm committed to keeping our country safe, and that's why I helped pass tough sanctions legislation. We must work with our partners in the European Union, Japan, and South Korea to enact existing sanctions that will further reduce Iran's oil sales. Please be assured that I understand your position and will keep your thoughts in mind as I continue to work toward improved American-Iranian relations.
Knowing your thoughts about this important issue helps me better represent the best one million bosses in the world: the people of *************. It's important to me to know the concerns of folks back home, and I am glad to hear from you.
Thanks again for sharing your concerns. Please contact me anytime by visiting my website at ****** I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Sincerely, Senator (Name removed for his own safety)