Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Dueling Desires

I'm often of two minds.  I find myself saying contradictory things more often than I'd like.  The problem is, a lot of the contradictions are true.  Like a starburst candy, I seem to be two things at once, but without one of the contradictions I wouldn't be who I am.

I'll start here.  I live in a smaller city.  I live at home in a very comfortable arrangement with my family.  I don't pay rent, I don't buy groceries (unless I choose to).  I'm pampered and spoiled.  I love my family, and don't want to leave them.  I see no reason to spend money to live on my own in Chardeau when I am so happy where I am.


I want to live on my own.  Not just on my own...I want to live in Ireland, England, or New York. Okay, less New York than the other two.  I want to be somewhere and apart of something else.  I want to go to my adorable stone cottage home after running to the market, plop down my bags, and sit at my quaint little desk to write.  I want to have friends with accents I would die to have, but also have a place where when I get back it's just mine.


But I don't want to move.  The money, effort, change, fear, and lack of true commitment mean I don't go to these places I want to go.  I have a job, a family, a life, and friends.  I don't want to drop them all to go off and live in a place where I'd be lonely and probably cry myself to sleep nightly.  So then, I can't go alone.  Therefore, I can't live alone.

So you say to me "Don't go to live there, then.  Save your money and go visit there with a friend.  That way you aren't alone and yet you still get to go to these places.  Better yet, make it a long vacation and you'll get to feel like you really did live there."
Then I get to my next contradiction, which is more of a conflict.

I love vacations and being somewhere else.  I thoroughly enjoy being in a new place and experiencing the way they live...especially if I can be there long enough to feel like I'm a part of that world.  In Hawaii, I love the easy feeling of walking most places.  I'm not huge on the Ocean, but I like knowing where places are.  When I was in the South, I enjoyed the different layout of the land and seeing the older more colonial buildings.
When (yes WHEN) I go to Europe, I want to spend enough time there to know where the local cafes and best restaurants are.  I want to be able to stay in a flat, not a hotel.  I want to someday know what it's like to feel like a New Yorker.


I HATE TRAVELING!  Or perhaps you could say traveling hates me.  It seems there is no way for me to travel that I walk out of feeling good.  I get carsick, airsick...seasick if the boat is small enough.  I've never traveled by train, so I don't know how I would handle that one.
I don't do well in circulated air or gross food (which is all you have when in airports).  The longer the flight the less likely I'm going to be a happy (healthy) camper.  The destination is almost always worth it, but a big reason why I've never been further than Mexico (by boat) or Canada (by car) is because I don't want to take the 24 hours of travel (by air).
I know I couldn't fly alone.  I'd be far too miserable.

So how am I ever going to get to these places if it takes a day to recover?  I guess I'll just have to plan an extra day's vacation.

Last. For now.  I want to get married.  Surely and truly that's something I've always wanted for my life.  I have never seriously thought that it would NEVER happen.  I may have had times where I didn't want it, but I always assumed it still would.  As a matter of fact, I'd much rather be married sooner than later.  I'd rather have that person in my life at a younger age, and to have several years together until we decided to have kids.  That way (in my head this makes sense) I could still be a younger mom.  I don't want to have my first kid at over 30.


There are so many things I want to do!  I want to travel. I want to live on my own *eventually*.  I want to be successful enough to support myself.  I want to be published and supporting myself through my writing.  My heart cries out for adventure, for fun, for a LIFE!  These things are things that, yes, could still happen when I was married.  However, the likelihood of me taking these risks, jumps, or adventures when I have to consider the cost it would take on the love of my life....well...I'm told it's less likely.

So what do I do?  I have all of these dueling desires in my heart crying out for satisfaction.  I don't have the money to make any of the travel I suppose that's out of the question (my heart breaks a bit).  I haven't a boyfriend, so I'm not too concerned about marriage getting in the way of anything yet....but then again, I don't have a boyfriend, so marriage is still a far way away for me (aw, sad).

My brain is broken, but, you know what?  I kind of like it the way it is.  I want these things.  I truly want them.  All I need now is the motivation to make them happen.  I've written two books (plus some) and that takes plenty of motivation.  If I can do that, I can find a way (and a friend) to Europe.  I can figure out a way to end up in a cottage or a flat instead of a hotel, I CAN get what I want.

I just have to figure out how!