Saturday, February 28, 2015

Stop Lying! - Swanitude Part 1

When I think about my greatest weakness, I think about failure. I think about my own low self-esteem, about failing, about never being good enough.

Who am I not being good enough for? I honestly haven't the faintest clue. There's no one to be good enough for. I am who I am and there's no way around that identity.  I am the daughter of the greatest King, the highest of Highs and the most beloved sister of the Prince of Peace.

That's who I am.

So who am I afraid of being "not good enough" for?


Isn't that weird? Who am I to you? What am I? If I put my identity in you, I'm lying to myself. You can't give me self worth. The whole point is SELF worth. You can't give me self ANYTHING.

So why do I feel the need to be good enough for you? Where does this all stem from?

It stems from my dark place.

You know, the way we see the world, it's the BIG things that we assume are the dark things. After all, death of a loved one, parents getting divorced, a relationship ending, or a violation against you (physical, mental emotional...rape, assault, attack) - these are the things we KNOW will hurt/change us. We know that.

Yet so often, it's the little things that can leave deep scars we never even knew existed. Little things can cut open a piece of your heart, slip a lie in, and sew up the opening without you ever realizing it was made.

Little things can become big things.

A little thing I didn't notice has created a lie that feels so insurmountable it consumes me some days.

Once upon a time, I was a little girl in an abusive friendship (amazing how something so short lived can cause such lasting damage).  I don't think either of us realized it was abusive. I honestly see, as an adult, that this friend had people in her life that put impossible standards on her.  Standards that compared this person to me, because we looked different.

Unbeknownst to me, I was the method of abuse used by ANOTHER person to my friend. It may have never been said out loud. My name may never have been used, but when this other little girl was told she wasn't enough, in her head I think she thought I had what she lacked.

And so, that little girl would put me down, make ME feel I'd never be enough. She would find ways where she was superior, and I think she did that because she felt inferior.

Unfortunately, I didn't know what went on in her life, I only knew that she was (I believed) superior to me. She was better than me. She was prettier, and smarter, and better liked.
I was funnier, but hey, she had to let me have SOMETHING.

Working through my own identity, especially in the wake of my parents divorce (because part of my identity was always who I was in my awesome, whole, perfect family), I've believed the lie that I am nothing.

This is an introductory post. It's a little depressing, but sometimes the hero of the story is in a dark/contemplative place when she embarks on her noble quest.

If you're willing to come with me, we'll talk about identity and who the hell we are and the lies that I am working to stop believing.

How many of you have had toxic relationships?

Stay tuned. Part 2 is coming Wednesday, March 4th.

Friday, February 13, 2015

14 Movies of Valentine's Day

Still on track with my movie lovin' this month of February.

Truth is, I'm a TOTAL romantic. Can't help myself. I love love. It's honestly the world's biggest shame, because I've never been able to participate, but it doesn't stop me from snuggling up for even the sappiest chick flicks at times.

So without further ado, here are the Romance/Chick Flick movies I can't live without in honor of Valentine's Day! *

*Note: The Holiday and While You Were Sleeping will not be listed here after being listed in the Christmas edition...just know they are also a part of this list.

1. You've Got Mail

  • There's nothing like hearing those three little words....You've...Got...Mail.  Ugh, this movie so encapsulates the 90s AND it's just wonderful. I love it. So. So. So. Much. My favorite Meg Ryan Tom Hanks film.

2. Sabrina (the Harrison Ford version)

  • Do not get me started on that "other" version. I don't care if it came first. At least the 90s Sabrina had likable characters.
  • Harrison Ford changes it up, no longer being the sexy Indiana or smouldering Han Solo...instead he shows his nerdier side as he falls for Sabrina fair. I can watch this movie over and over and over again.

3. He's Just Not That Into You

  • I think this movie gets me because it's the world's biggest hypocrite, but it has a lot of great acting during the process.
  • What other movie tells you the whole way through "Everything they tell you in romance tales is just creating a fantasy that will never happen to you"
  • and then they have all of those fantasies happen...
  • "I thought I wasn't the exception to the rule." "You are my exception."
  • "I never want to get married. I don't believe in marriage." *20 minutes later in film* "Will you marry me?"

4. Pride and Prejudice

  • Whether it's Keira Knightley or BBC...I love them both. Then again, I've always been an Austen girl (book wise)
  • Austen, forever ruining women. "Where's my Mr. Darcy??"

5. Austenland

  • If you love Austen and haven't seen this movie yet...DROP EVERYTHING AND GO NOW! One of the greatest, funniest, most charming films of all time. ALL TIME! (okay, Kanye...sit down. Nobody asked you)

6. Princess Bride

  • All right, if we're talking amazing romantic comedies...we know this one (also) takes the cake. It's the most quotable movie I have ever seen. It's not only a wonderful movie, but an amazing book.
  • Anybody want a peanut?
  • He's mostly dead.
  • Mawwaige. 

7. Decoy Bride

  • Hilarious. Scottish. Mixups. David Tennant (and I'm not even a Dr. Who fan). It's all good when watching Decoy Bride. It's on Netflix Instant. Go now.

8. Ever After

  • No list could be complete without some sort of Cinderella tale on here.
  • Realistic, as if an actual happening of the fable. 

9. French Kiss

  • "You people make my ass twitch."
  • Nuff said ^
  •'s hard to find GIFs for this one. Don't go searching. So much yuck.

10. Clueless

  • Because who doesn't love a satirical look at society while rehashing an Austen story?
  • Like, as if!
  • Plus, early days of Paul Rudd

11. Jane Austen Book Club

  • Again. Austen. This time a group of women (and one man) reading her books and having their own love stories along the way.

12. 10 Things I Hate About You
  • This time a Shakespeare rehash...
  • A funny one
  • With the Late Heath Ledger and young Joseph Gordon Levitt
  • And funny
  • Did I say funny?

13. Secret Life of Walter Mitty

  • One of my all time, favorite movies. So it should really go on all lists that are applicable. Seriously. Top 5 material here.
  • Kristen Wiig is delightful in a different kind of role for her.
  • Ben Stiller is amazing as both director and actor
  • Scenery is TO DIE FOR
  • And it's more of an adventure there's that.
  • Oh! And the soundtrack is amazing.

 14. Star Wars

  • Another one of the greats (three of the greats?). This trilogy is a fantasy wonderland and has one of the best love stories ever...
  • A princess and a smuggler? Not terribly original...
  • A kick-ass princess? Getting better.
  • Who knows how to get under the guy's skin? Okay.
  • And the guy is actually noble? Love it.
  • I love you.
  • I know.
  • Also I might be in love with Luke Skywalker (and Han. So what!)

Honorable Mentions:

Sliding Doors

Sleepless in Seattle

Sense and Sensibility