For my other posts in identity click here (part 1) or here (part 2).
IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE POST BEFORE TODAY'S GO READ THAT NOW! By clicking this sentence.
Continuation of my journey into the lies of my identity. I just talked about cutting others down to avoid them knowing what I think about them.
I want to go deeper into that.
Somewhere, along the way when I was young, I was taught to believe (by my peers and some teachers) that my opinion wasn't wanted. I can pinpoint several instances when:
- My opinion on books, movies, or music wasn't worth a damn. I was a fool who didn't know good taste.
- My feelings about individuals was against the norm (you can't like them or be their friend! They're weird!)
- My affections towards members of the opposite sex were unwanted (ewwww gross! Kelsey likes you? Ewwww!)
My opinion was met with rejection. I found my value in other's thoughts on MY PERSONALITY! I put my stock in how they saw me and conformed to what they wanted to see!
It stemmed so far into my being that I truly believe(d) that my feelings, affections, self, aren't wanted. No man could ever want my affections and all friends would pity me because I am
A) not pretty enough
B) not sexy enough
C) not funny enough
D) not worth enough
Now, I know this in my head. The head is a great thing that can contain so much truth, but sometimes our selves..the emotional beings that we are (our hearts, if you will) can't connect with our brains.
My brain knows I'm awesome, because God made us all awesome. My brain knows I would be a blessing (and let's be honest, occasionally a curse) to any man.
My heart can't get on board. My heart can't fathom why anyone would love me, because how could I be worth loving? I was told (by people who I shouldn't have been listening to) when I was young that I wasn't what a man would ever want or what anyone would want as a friend.
So now when I sit across the table (or across the room) from a beautiful man, I can't express to him my appreciation of his:
D) Nerdiness (is this one only super attractive to me? I didn't think so. Stand up, nerdy girls)
E) Worth that God sees in him (and God has shown to me as well)
Now, no man needs MY approval any more than I need a man's (or a woman's. We've got God's and frankly that's all we need. Believing it, again, is the trick. I know, broken record. Sorry)
I have been a cruel person because I have been so low on myself. I have brought others lower because I didn't want them to know how I truly felt.
I've crushed dreams. I've broken hearts. I've hurt people.
All without meaning to.
All without realizing it.
All because I wasn't capable of seeing I was worth something or that my words could hurt. That my opinion could crush someone just as much as someone else's opinion once hurt me.
It's a journey, and I'm not the only one on it.
It's my identity, but I'm not the only one who doesn't know who she (or he) is.
In my own little bubble, I've knocked others down. I haven't pointed out the glory in others. I haven't told my brother every day how much he amazes me in his kindness and social prowess (he can make friends with anyone and make them feel good about themselves).
I haven't told my mother how selfless she is in her giving and how her heart is what draws other people to her.
I haven't told my niece that her boisterous energy might earn criticism, but that she shouldn't ever lose her love for life because her joy brings others joy.
I haven't told my best friends that they are beautiful...good moms...talented...worth every breath.
I haven't told any man who has an affect on my heart that his ability to listen and care for others is worth an elephant's weight in gold...nay...one thousand elephants' weight in gold. Seriously, that's so important and I wonder if he knows it about himself.
I haven't told these people, because I've been so consumed in who I thought I was, that I didn't realize part of who I am is reminding others who they are.
Because you are me.
(I know, it's confusing, I'm still embracing it myself).
We're all on the same journey, but when we focus solely on ourselves we miss the hurting people around us and hurt each other. When we focus on our lies, we don't listen to the truths others are giving us, and instead we spew more lies without meaning to.
I am the swan, not the ugly duckling.
I will bless (and curse) a man someday should I find one who walks the same path as me (run the race, equally yoked. All that jazz).
I will bless my brothers and sisters with the truths about them, so that when they are dealing with the lies, they will have little nuggets God wanted them to have in their brains...little whispers that sound like my voice reminding them that THEY ARE LOVED.
I will remind you, if you need me to, that you have so many amazing qualities...and so many lies that you're believing.
I will spend the rest of my life getting rid of these lies in order to believe the truth God wants me to have. Come with me.
Now tell me...what lies are you going to stop believing?Shout out to all of my fellow Swans. Tweet if you can relate using #Swanitude (because it's fun and funny and true).
Guys, something AMAZING is coming on May 19th called The Choosing by Rachelle Dekker. It's all about identity and figuring out where you belong and the lies we listen to.
You've already been chosen. You are already loved.