Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Ew! - Swanitude Part 2

In Part 1 (Stop Lying!), I talked about a friendship that I recently realized (thank you ReWrite 2015) was super abusive and started a lot of the lies I believe today.

"I'm the pretty one. You're the funny one."

That sentence set me up for a world of failure because in the moment my friend (whom I truly don't blame...she had her own lies that led to this) said this to me, I believed it.

This conversation was in regards to boys. Boys liked my friend (because, let's be honest, she is beautiful. That will never change nor should it) just from first meeting. As an extrovert, she also had an outgoing personality that interacted well with the opposite sex.

I, on the other hand, was kind of the ugly duckling. Awkward, didn't love having to wash and dry my hair, gangly, and buck-toothed. I was the funny one. The friend. Boys didn't like me, they considered me one of them.

I grew up, but I never stopped believing that I was still that little duckling. I never saw that, along the way, I'd turned into a swan.

I can write this today because - despite the lies that still try to drag me down - today, a handsome young man reminded me of the truth I already know.
I am the swan. I HAVE TO remember this, because no man can teach me this. I have to know this for myself.
It's a truth I'm trying to accept for myself, and sometimes people can help you accept truths.

Today I went to lunch with one of my best friends, Esca (or Rachelle, but I call her Esca).  Let me tell you how amazingly beautiful my friend is....wait, no, just look at this photo.

Photo Credit: Kelsey Keating 

There, now you KNOW how amazingly gorgeous she is. Because she is!
We went to grab a quick lunch at Five Guys and a handsome young worker took our order and interacted in a friendly could-have-been-flirty-if-we-had-more-time way.
But it wasn't just directed at the modelesque Rachelle.  I was included.
Because I'm a swan, too.

In that moment, I was reminded that I grew up. I'm a grown up, lovely woman. Why do I ever have a hard time believing this?
See, even as I type it, I have to stop that lie that says "Don't be vain. You're hardly worth looking at."

That's the voice I'm battling every. single. day. As if thinking well of myself isn't being "humble".

Are you kidding me?
My Brosef is a humble human being. He doesn't waste his time using vanity or puffery.  He just is awesome and is humble in his amazing accomplishments.
Does my brother walk around calling himself ugly or lowly because that's "humility"?
Hell no!
My brother knows he's a handsome guy, friendly, awesome, and worth knowing. He knows he's worthwhile and that isn't vanity.

He tries to tell me I have to think the same way.
I'm working on it.

This is my struggle. This is what I'm facing.

I'm facing me.
I'm facing the "Who I think I am" and knocking her on her ass.
She's not me! She's an impostor!
It will take time, and it's going to be a hard battle, but when I win...

I'll love me as much as I'm supposed to. I'll know me.
I'll know who I am, my identity.
It's a journey.
Half the battle is realizing that there are lies.
I'm already there. I just have to start believing the truth and not faking it.
I am my Father's daughter (the God who is your father too. You are me) and I am beautiful.
Maybe if I say it every day, I'll realize it's true (isn't that like a rule somewhere?)

So to hell with the lies. I'm the beautiful daughter of my Father God, and he doesn't screw up. He made me beautiful.
You don't think I'm beautiful? Well what the **** do I care what you think?
That's right.  That's part of the truth to work on.

My worth isn't found in you.

YOUR worth, isn't found in me.

So tell me (if you're brave enough) you ever forget that you are beautiful?

Shout out to all of my fellow Swans. Tweet if you can relate using #Swanitude (because it's fun and funny and true).
Part 3 is coming March 11 - stay tuned and thanks for joining


Unknown said...

It never ceases to amaze me the beautiful women who live in the trap of someone else's label for them. I've lived there. It's hard to escape. "I'm an effing swan" is the perfect mantra to crash through the barriers of past perception.

I'm an effing swan!

Unknown said...

You ARE an effing swan! It's so true!
I totally get stuck in this trap. Then I have to recite this mantra. Word of advice? Don't recite it too loudly while in public ;)
Oh the looks you'll get.

S.R. Karfelt said...

Hey. I'm an effing swan. *falls down laughing in sweats/scarf/not-your-average-swan feathers*

And I always knew Kelsey was one too. Because I have eyes. Swan eyes. Just sayin'...


Unknown said...

You're so sweet, S. R. :) I love your effing swanliness and I think sweatpants are divine. They really are a fashion statement of their own making ;)

Rob Holliday said...

So first, you need to post a warning if you're going to put a hysterical GIF in your post, especially of a swan getting medieval on some guy's ass. I had to stop, pick up pieces of partially chewed sandwich and put them back on the wax paper (I'm not throwing that out, it's perfectly fine), and return to replying.

Kels, you're beautiful in so many ways. Can I read you your label?

Well, too bad, I'm going to anyway.

You are:
Yes, gorgeous, and I have damn good taste. (did that just get weird?)

Know what? Single words won't cut it, so this is just some spontaneous poetry right here:

The first flash cuts the dark
A beam, a sword, a gossamer
Light that won't be held back, glorifying the color around because she is all the beauty and glory of color herself.
The air stirs and the water ripples
The leaves whisper each other awake as dawn sings them a new day.
She makes no sound but she brings all things to wake,
She casts her presence so that others can see their way.
She is undefinable, radiant, Nothing regrets that she is All she is because It can never know her.
She is as near as permitted, as bright as perceived, warm as such that the Cold finds comfort in her.
She comes again each day, refreshing the dark soul
and that is who He made Her to be.

So, that's who I see, that's what your label reads to me.

Unknown said...

^ Ohmygosh. I might cry!

Unknown said...

That was beautiful, Rob! Wow!

Anonymous said...

I struggled with this soooo much for most of my life. "Pretty" was a big deal when I was growing up-- never "funny", "smart", or "witty" it was BE PRETTY. >.<

At 40 something MAGICAL happened to me.

I'm stunning- just as I am, not because of HOW I look, but because of WHO I AM. =D

PS- if you need someone to smack you with the "you're beautiful" stick- let me know. I am so smacking you around if you forget you're beautiful inside and out. ;)

Loves ya KRK <3

Tom Mohan said...

I was going to comment, but Rob pretty much said it all. What everyone said here is true, and then some. Words can hurt, but they heal as well. Besides, offing swans are the in thing now.

S.R. Karfelt said...

Loving on Rob's Swan Kelsey ingredient list.


I agree completely, and also that the swan gif is epic. That is what Swan Kelsey needs to do to the nay-sayers who can't just drive on by.

Ashley P. said...

Once upon a time a little girl was told she was fat. No one told her about bone structure or that it was good to be built strong and sturdy. So she believed them and accepted it. Like a self fulfilling prophesy her acceptance led to depression and depression to stress eating and comfort food, then to medication that made her gain even more weight, then to a condition caused by excessive weight that made her miss much of her high school years and subsequently believe something else - that she wasn't smart.

Eh, I could keep going, but that'd be a serious drag. Suffice to say, I have trouble believing I'm beautiful. And not just on the physical level, I don't believe my soul/heart is either. Can't say I'm in the habit of believing anything positive about myself.

Unknown said...

Ashley, you give the names of whoever made you feel that way originally - I'ma go bust somebody's face open.
Remember your true identity - you are beautiful. If you ever feel like you're're perfect to me ;)

You're an effing swan, friend. You have a wonderfully beautiful heart and frankly you are one of the sweetest, coolest chicks i know.

Ashley P. said...

Awww *blush*

Well if you insist. The name of my primary tormentor was........ Kelsey. Bit ironic, no? :P

Unknown said...

WHAT?! She has defiled the name of an effing swan by treating another like dirt!
Down this other Kelsey must go. I shall smack her across the face!
And then I shall apologize, explain myself, tell her she's her own effing swan, and send her on her way to apologize to you - something no doubt she'll feel compelled to do after our heart to heart.

Randy said...

Good word and great way to put it. Rewrite was so rewarding.

Unknown said...

You are truly amazing Kels. Beautiful, intelligent, funny, compassionate and a great friend :) I'm proud to call you my daughter, my effing Swan!

Unknown said...

Randy, so glad you felt that way. I certainly did. very rewarding :)

Awe, thanks Mama! I get it from you!
Effing Swan runs in the family.

Anonymous said...

I've seen more than one blog post about being an effing swan, and I was so inspired that I had to write my own. Thanks for sharing some of your story.

KC said...

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT! The effing swan movement will live on forever!!

Unknown said...

Yay! Swans unite! Birds of a feather, yeah?