Saturday, February 28, 2015

Stop Lying! - Swanitude Part 1

When I think about my greatest weakness, I think about failure. I think about my own low self-esteem, about failing, about never being good enough.

Who am I not being good enough for? I honestly haven't the faintest clue. There's no one to be good enough for. I am who I am and there's no way around that identity.  I am the daughter of the greatest King, the highest of Highs and the most beloved sister of the Prince of Peace.

That's who I am.

So who am I afraid of being "not good enough" for?


Isn't that weird? Who am I to you? What am I? If I put my identity in you, I'm lying to myself. You can't give me self worth. The whole point is SELF worth. You can't give me self ANYTHING.

So why do I feel the need to be good enough for you? Where does this all stem from?

It stems from my dark place.

You know, the way we see the world, it's the BIG things that we assume are the dark things. After all, death of a loved one, parents getting divorced, a relationship ending, or a violation against you (physical, mental emotional...rape, assault, attack) - these are the things we KNOW will hurt/change us. We know that.

Yet so often, it's the little things that can leave deep scars we never even knew existed. Little things can cut open a piece of your heart, slip a lie in, and sew up the opening without you ever realizing it was made.

Little things can become big things.

A little thing I didn't notice has created a lie that feels so insurmountable it consumes me some days.

Once upon a time, I was a little girl in an abusive friendship (amazing how something so short lived can cause such lasting damage).  I don't think either of us realized it was abusive. I honestly see, as an adult, that this friend had people in her life that put impossible standards on her.  Standards that compared this person to me, because we looked different.

Unbeknownst to me, I was the method of abuse used by ANOTHER person to my friend. It may have never been said out loud. My name may never have been used, but when this other little girl was told she wasn't enough, in her head I think she thought I had what she lacked.

And so, that little girl would put me down, make ME feel I'd never be enough. She would find ways where she was superior, and I think she did that because she felt inferior.

Unfortunately, I didn't know what went on in her life, I only knew that she was (I believed) superior to me. She was better than me. She was prettier, and smarter, and better liked.
I was funnier, but hey, she had to let me have SOMETHING.

Working through my own identity, especially in the wake of my parents divorce (because part of my identity was always who I was in my awesome, whole, perfect family), I've believed the lie that I am nothing.

This is an introductory post. It's a little depressing, but sometimes the hero of the story is in a dark/contemplative place when she embarks on her noble quest.

If you're willing to come with me, we'll talk about identity and who the hell we are and the lies that I am working to stop believing.

How many of you have had toxic relationships?

Stay tuned. Part 2 is coming Wednesday, March 4th.


LaDonna Cole said...

I'll be here.

I've had some of those friendships. It's good to recognize lies for what they are...but so very difficult.

I'll be taking this journey with you, friend.

S. R. Karfelt said...

All of my relationships have been idyllic and perfect and I'm only in the witness protection program because I like trying on new names and living in obscure desert towns.

Maybe obviously toxic relationships are easier to recover from than those insidious sneaky kinds? Maybe it's any of the above that we actually believe?

Kelsey-plain and simple said...

LaDonna, thanks for taking the journey with me, I appreciate it :)

S.R. I don't know :) Maybe it IS all of the above. Sometimes I think people have a hard time leaving obviously toxic relationships too. I'm going to have to think on that more.

rhollidaywrites said...

I can recall friendships of that nature; they're long gone now and I'm okay with that. Over the past few months, physically getting together with deep friends - friends who know me, love me for who I am, and understand our common dreams - reminded me that I'm not tied to those friendships anymore. They were toxic then, they'd be toxic again if I re-entered them. It wasn't easy - I carried guilt about letting those friendships languish, but I realize, even when I reached back out to them, none of them wanted to reach back to me other than to tell me what they and some of my other previous friends were doing. To cause a "see what you ruined" kind of vibe. I'm past that. Friendships are truly far and few in between.

Kelsey Keating said...

It's so true, Rob. I felt the same sense of guilt and sadness, but in the end, I'm healthier for it.

DM Kilgore said...

Toxic. Destructive. Soul Crushing. Yeah, been there. I'll be following along. I've been carrying a little Hemingway with me for a long, long, long time...
"We are all broken. That's how the light gets in."

Brave girl, how ironic is it that I view you as so confident and fearless? It's what we can't see about ourselves sometimes that trips us up I suppose. =)