Wednesday, March 11, 2015

I Think I Love You - Swanitude Part 3

I love that David Cassidy song lyric "I think I love what am I so afraid of?"

Hopefully you've already checked out "Stop Lying!" and "Ew!" and know that I'm taking a few blogs to talk about identity and the lies I've believed.

Next lie has to do with what I touched on in the last one.


Okay, so now that I'm adult, we call them men.

Here's the deal, I don't interact with males well. It's like I'm this awesome, funny, quirky (oh my goodness the quirky) nerdy individual that everyone says "Oh you are seriously so awesome, why are you single?" 
But when it comes to men I turn into this mute, blank faced little *pardon my french* bitch who can't play the game.

My darling Brosef has always been my biggest help and hindrance. Let's dive deeper.

"Kelsey, you have to play the game." (Brosef after explaining how a girl calling a guy "friend" can actually be inspiration to make him try harder)
"I don't understand what 'the game' is," I said, throwing my hands in the air. "I thought I wasn't supposed to friend zone a guy I like."
"Well, in the game, you make him want you because he thinks he can't have you. I always work hardest for the girls who act like they don't care when I know they do."
"Let's break this down." I sat in front of my brother, insistent on one of us understanding the other. "I don't do small talk. It's a foreign language to me. I can't participate.  I don't have the confidence level to say something that, behind it, means 'I'm awesome and you know you want me but you can't have me.' I feel like I should just be able to be interested in someone and find worth in them and that should be enough. Why isn't that enough?"
Brosef studied me for a moment as he processed what I said. "You know what? Don't play the game, Kels. You're above it. You're too mature. If a guy's going to be good enough for you, then he should want you for who you are and what you just said."

Now I'm loosely quoting an actual situation for two reasons:
1. I'm a writer and I can make what we said clear, easy to understand, and sound awesome and 
2. I can't remember the conversation 100% accurately, so Brosef, forgive me for any words I put in your mouth.

Thing is, in my head...liking guys should just be enough that I think he's worth something. I find value in him and I see why the world would be a darker place without him.
Isn't that somehow romantic? Right? My world is better with you in it. Doesn't that make you feel special?

But I don't understand why it doesn't work both ways. Perhaps it's because I still have to remind myself that I'm the swan.

When I forget that I'm the swan, I see the beautiful women around me and I start to compare myself.
"No way will he ever find me beautiful when he knows her."
"She's so much better at being fun and flirty than I am."
"She's better than I am."
"I'm not good enough for him."

Those lies just creep in, starting with a sentence that seems harmless ("she's beautiful") and ending in something detrimental ("He could never see worth in me").

It's even harder when he's beautiful. Let's be honest (are you ready?) I know some beautiful men.
I have a friend who is so drop dead gorgeous that I forget. I actually FORGET how good looking he is, because my mind's eye and photos don't do justice. Truly. I think I know what he looks like and then he walks into a room and I have a moment of "Holy crap" because I'm reminded just how good of a job God did when he made my friend.
(Note to everyone...we are ALL This beautiful. Someone who will see you the same way I see my friend. You take someone's breath away. Take a moment to be awed by that. It awes me).

Oh but here's the crux.
My friend is gorgeous.
I can't say that to him.

Here I war with myself.

Me - "Wow. He's breathtaking."
Scaredy cat me -"Yeah but don't you dare say that to him."
Me -"But he deserves to know!"
SCM- "If you're that good looking, you know it."
Me -"Um, not true, and even if it IS true, you don't stop saying 'that's a good movie' just because the movie KNOWS it's a good movie."
SCM - "Don't care. If you tell him, he might think (or worse, know) you like him and you can never ever tell anyone your feelings ever because rejection is the ultimate worst thing that could happen to you."
Me - "Well, yeah. Okay, rejection is seriously a total fear of mine. But still, it can't hurt to tell him he's good looking, can it?"
SCM - "He'll think you're a loser and you can't handle that. In fact, instead of telling him he's good looking, cut him down. Insinuate that he isn't. Don't want him to get a big ego after all."
Me - "oooh good plan! Let's insult him instead!"

Now, for everyone who is thinking WTF on the scenario above, trust me. I know.  In the moment I listen to the liar (the scaredy cat) and completely fall prey to CUTTING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING DOWN in my own fear of him rejecting my observation that he's beautiful.

What the hell!?

Now you all know why I'm single. You asked, here's the answer.

The lie inside me is that the rejection...the risk..taking the jump off the cliff to flip and dive into the water...that's not worth it. It's the end of the world if I do. Heaven forbid you tell someone they are attractive...heaven forbid you (much worse) insinuate that you could have FEELINGS for someone!
And don't you EVEN FOR ONE SECOND think that you could be worth anything to them. You are their pity project.
So sit down.
Shut up.
And if you have to say something...say something that cuts them down so they don't know how you feel.

To all of those who have been on the end of my barbs...know that you are probably just beautiful. I'm so sorry I ever made you feel otherwise. Maybe I was just secretly in love with you and was so afraid you'd call me icky or make me cry that I ruined your day with an unkind word. 

The lie is that the rejection...the too great to tell people how I feel.

Don't let the lie become your reality. Don't let the scaredy cat dictate your worth.

Did you forget? You're a Swan!

Do you ever say the opposite of what you mean in order to hide your feelings?

Shout out to all of my fellow Swans. Tweet if you can relate using #Swanitude (because it's fun and funny and true).
Pay attention! The Final Part will be happening next Wednesday!


S. R. Karfelt said...

This might be worse.

Pretty much all of my life I've dismissed beautiful men. You know that old theory that if someone is truly beautiful they're simply TOO BUSY being beautiful to have any time to devote to being interesting? That.

It's not true either. I have a DF who is drop dead gorgeous and is a blast and a half. I used to tell her she must have been an ugly child and had spare time to develop the personality. She assures me she's always been killer-beautiful even in the womb as a zygote. Which just makes me LOL that much more. See what I mean? Personality.

So she basically blows my theory out of the water. A smaller part of me still believes it, but I try to temper it with a .005 second Glance of Assessment to check out the beautiful person's attitude before determining whether or not there is a likelihood of personality. If I find a personality AND beauty I am awed. If not, I drive on by.

So, yeah. We all have our prejudices.

And to answer the question, "Do you ever say the opposite of what you mean in order to hide your feelings?" I suppose the answer is yes. I'm unfailingly polite when I interact with beautiful people even though I've likely completely dismissed them as being soulless avatars of beauty.

Kelsey Keating said...

"Soulless Avatars"
Oh my gosh.
I think I'm too dumbfounded by their beauty to say words at all.
Der der...duh....
My poor beautiful acquaintances...

But I'm an Effing Swan ;) And so are you.

DM Kilgore said...

You probably know me well enough to know this and thus it's not going to be a big reveal... but my secret is... I hide too. I hide behind humor (usually self-deprecating). Humor and wit can hide a lot of pain and insecurity.

Of course, I really AM a fan of wit, sarcasm, and humor so it makes an easy cover for me. ;)

That said... yeah... 40+ year old me speaking straight to your #effingswan self:


You can always add a, "Too bad I'm into ogres" to the end. Bwahaha


When you are my age... well you'll see. LOL

Kelsey Keating said...

DM, stay tuned for next week. I'm a work in progress ;)

I think I hide behind humor too, but it isn't always the nicest humor.

I love the "too bad I'm into ogres" line! You're hilarious!

S. R. Karfelt said...


Looking for Shrek in all the wrong places, looking for Shrek in too many faces...

NaturallyBec said...

Wow, being a part of this community makes me feel a lot less awkward (though I still am). I say the opposite of what I mean ALLLLL of the time, not just to hide good things too, but I've always been super scared of making people uncomfortable. However, this strange awkwardness always does just that and they're even MORE uncomfortable then if I would just say what I really wanted to say. And yeah, I'm just lucky my bf was persistent. I said the dumbest stuff LOL

LaDonna Cole said...

I used to. But when my friend died of cancer, it hit me all the things I'd left unsaid. Now, I just say them. It makes me and others feel awkward at times, but at least they know how I really feel.

Kelsey, you are beautiful. I love your wit, your spazziness, your wisdom, your kindness, your adorable hair and I've always thought you were knock out gorgeous.

There, said.

Colette Pedersen said...

I feel like that too sometimes. But after my dad's battle with bone cancer, I don't leave anything left unsaid.

I do remember a time where I watched this beautiful red headed man from afar and when he wanted to hang out with me I almost told him no. I can't remember exactly what I said but I do remember thinking "Enjoy this- it will be the only time he asks you to hang out." But it wasn't. He asked me to do stuff lots of times. Then one day he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him for the rest of my life. And I said I would. That was almost 27 years ago.

Donna already said it, but I agree. Tell him.

I love this blog series so much! I love being able to see your heart Kelsey and get a "behind the scenes" of how you really feel. It's allowing me to look inside my heart and say to the lies that I tell myself, "Hey! I'm an effing swan. Back off!"

I can't wait to read the next one!