Faking it: My Decemopment

I can't adult today

I'm too busy having a decemopment.

Decemopment? That's not a word.

Yes it is. I made it up and defined it yesterday after accidentally mistyping 'development' and autocorrect saying "I got nothing."

Decemopment:noun (des-eh-mop-ment) That moment when you've gotten so emotional, you need a mop to clean up the mess.

It could be a happy or a sad thing. It would really apply to those soldier videos where they surprise their family members and everyone turns into a puddle of tears.

Or it could happen when you find out your boyfriend is cheating on you and you break all of things/burn all of his clothes before dissolving into a puddle of tears...

Either way, tears are probably involved.

Today I'm fighting my own decemopment. It's been a rough month and a half and my psyche is fighting all the upheaval.
Long story short, everyone is gone. Long story a little bit longer...my best friend moved away and now my Brosef (the best brother that ever lived) is gone for 5 weeks in the boonies where I can't talk to him. *pouts*

Top that off with other drama (divorce, broken hearts, health crises) and I am pretty sure the zombie apocalypse is about to happen.
Maybe that's just me.
Or maybe that's because Walking Dead will start again soon. *Shudders*

Either way, I'm totally faking it today. Smile. Nod. Rinse. Repeat.

Any of you having a decemopment moment? Sound off in the comments. Ten points for Gryffindor if you use decemopment in a casual conversation today.

If you were curious:

Adjective: Decemopmenty: "I'm sad and decemopmenty today."

Verb: Decemope: "Can we decemope together? I'm having a rough day."

Adverb: Decemopely: "He sniffled decemopely, tears streaming down his face and leaving tracks in the dirt smudged on his cheeks."

Thank you to Katie Cross for unintentionally creating the verb form of this word. Let's all band together and get it in the dictionary! Hey, Twerk is in there, why can't our word be in there, too?

A Stolen Kiss Cover Reveal

MY BOOK HAS A COVER!

IT'S REAL!

MY BOOK IS GOING TO BE IN PEOPLE'S HANDS THIS WINTER!

GAH!

*dies*

Okay. Love it? Good, because so do I.

Effing Sadness

I just saw Disney and Pixar's Inside Out.

Disney Pixar's Inside Out - Photo Credit: Disney and Kelsey Keating

Deep. Stuff.

Like, beyond children deep. This movie might be a cartoon and might have funny, happy, kid-centric things in it, but the writers at the core are deep thinkers. They're playing hard ball and the adults will all see it (older kids might too).

The core that I walk away with (that isn't a spoiler) is this: Sadness is important.

In today's world, you shouldn't be sad. Sadness isn't welcome. Don't be a downer. Don't share your feelings. Don't ask people to see the darker parts of you and still love you.

Sadness isn't welcome.

Be happy! Show off all of your best parts. Post all of the great things that happen to you in a day online to let everyone know how great your life is...even if that's only 1/10 of what your world is really like.

Don't bring anyone down. Depression is a state of mind. Get over it.

How much damage are we doing when we teach people this concept? When we raise children to believe this and they turn into adults who can't cope with the hard parts of life?

This is destruction.

Part of being an effing swan means accepting your whole self. Being a swan doesn't mean you're always happy, confident, and perfect.

Being a swan is being imperfection. Being a swan sometimes means being a mess, being sad...embracing your emotions. Real effing swans feel, and feel deeply.

The feels! Credit: Tumblr and Kelsey Keating

You should never have to apologize for how you feel. Sometimes you may have to apologize for how you ACT when you're feeling deeply, but that's on you for your behavior ;). If something makes you sad...if something makes you happy...if something makes you angry...if it's rational, than no one should make you feel wrong for feeling (obviously if you're being irrational, I can't help you...but we've all been there).

Today I just want you to know that. I want you to know that you aren't alone. If people are telling you to "just get over it" or "change your outlook" and it isn't working...I've been there. Sometimes you have to be there.

Sadness can heal. Sadness can bring people together. It keeps you from bottling dark emotions that will only eat away at your gloriously beautiful soul. Sadness is important. It's okay to feel it.

Embrace your inner swan (and outer swan). Embrace your rational emotions. Get the help you need or gather around with the people you need. Just know that the Original Swan is with you. We aren't alone. We aren't weird (okay, maybe we are but being normal is vastly overrated).

We are human. We are beautiful.

Welcome, swans. You are beautiful.

One Pissed Off Swan

Today I am vexed. 

I never know what's going to ruffle my feathers, but when it happens I'm ready to be on a rampage. The problem? Well, I'm not much of a verbal rampager. I'm far more adept at putting my purge on the page. 

So, today I am vexed.

I am vexed by my own swanitude. It's hard to change your whole outlook and still have those around you treat you like the old you. 

What does it take to have others see the value you see in yourself? How long do you wait for them to see it? 

I've been reading the most AMAZING books lately. The Choosing by Rachelle Dekker, and Bon Bons to Yoga Pants by Katie Cross. Both books are about identity and understanding that maybe you're awesome all on your own.

If you haven't read The Choosing, I need you to stop what you're doing, follow the link and buy it for your own reading pleasure.

Credit: Rachelle Dekker

As for BBtYP, that one is a serial novel FREE on Wattpad and already has 30+ chapters.

Credit: Katie Cross

Lexie Greene is an overweight college student who wants to lose weight to get hot for her handsome Facebook friend Bradley. Along the way, though, Lexie is learning that maybe she shouldn't be so worried about being a size two, and instead concern herself with being healthy for herself and herself alone.

Lexie is in the early cygnet stage, but she's slowly realizing that she's a swan without a man. The reason I love BBtYP is because I know how it feels. I've never dealt with my weight the way Lexie has, but I have hella dealt with my worth. 
I (and many other young women) have felt the "I'm not hot enough for a guy like Bradley" or "no one could like me 'as I am'." 

Today, I am vexed on Lexie's behalf.

There's something so empowering about figuring out you are not an ugly duckling, but an effing swan. It's such a great experience that I hope all of you have had or will have soon. 

It's also easily lost.
Finding your swanitude isn't a one time thing. You don't suddenly have permanent confidence as you rock the world with your greatness.

No, you struggle with it. Sometimes daily, hourly, or by the minute.

Today I am vexed, because today I am struggling. I'm struggling with others not seeing my swanitude. They treat me like I'm not worth their time, and they make me feel like that lie is true.

Know what? I'm more than worth their time. I'm not worthless, nor am I forgettable (even if they forget me). 

I may have a hard time remembering this today, and maybe I'm tired of others acting like I'm not worth their time, but that just proves it's an uphill battle.

It's an uphill battle for Lexie, who, if I knew her in real life, I would like to tell is beautiful as she is. If the man she's been dreaming about can't see that, then she needs to tell him he isn't worth her time and move on. 

There are days where I need to tell myself that, as well. I am beautiful, even if others treat me like I'm still the wallflower who belongs in the role of 'quirky best friend' and not 'leading lady'. 

This is a reminder to all of the Lexie Greene's out there...you're beautiful. You're an effing swan. If someone makes you FEEL like you are WORTH LESS...maybe it's time to cut ties.

You're worth so much more.
Surround yourself with people who see your beauty (in and out). End the vexation within my soul.

Oh, and go read The Choosing and Bon Bons to Yoga Pants. 

Why I'm Defending Meghan Trainor

Lately I've been seeing posts about Meghan Trainor's "All About that Bass", casting it in a negative light and calling it "skinny shaming." 

I'm here as a skinny/scrawny young woman (just a touch older than Ms. Trainor herself) to tell you that I find absolutely no offense in the song.

In fact, I'm going to defend it.

The Argument:
Meghan Trainor's song is a diss to young skinny women everywhere, perpetrating the idea that curvy is better than skinny and all girls should strive to be bigger. Ms. Trainor mistakenly thinks she's promoting positive body image when she's actually destroying anyone who was born naturally skinny.

My Thoughts:
My first thought is "Wow. get over it. It's a song." Now, that's my first reaction and then I have to step back and remember how people can be emotionally connected to songs.

So that's when I started to dissect "Bass" and figure out how I felt about it as a skinny, not-so-curvy woman.

Here's what I realized: People are taking one song's lyrics out of context and allowing the one song to make them feel like they (or maybe, just going on a crusade on behalf of someone else) aren't worth enough.

So the problem is still the question of worth. 

The lyrics that are called into question are:

1. "Yeah it's pretty clear I ain't no size 2,
but I can shake it, shake it like I'm supposed to do."

The first lyrics in question are specific to Meghan herself. She's not a size 2, but she can still shake her body the way it was meant to shake. Know what? So can I.  It looks different, I'm sure, but it doesn't change that we can "shake it" (that is, work out bodies, live our lives) the way we're meant to. 

It wouldn't be healthy for someone of Meghan's body type to starve herself in order to get to my body type. Nor would it be healthy for someone like me to try to achieve Meghan's shape. We weren't built that way. We aren't going to obsess about being like someone else.

We're going to be our beautiful selves.

2. "My mama she told me don't worry 'bout your size.
She said boys like a little more booty to hold at night." 

The lyrics, again, are specific to the singer.  Know what? My mama tells me things about my body to help me see my own beauty, too. That's what mama's do. The song's mama is telling her daughter she's beautiful as she is and it's not going to keep her from finding love if she wants it.

Mom loves you. Always. 

The same can be said for me. There are guys who want a curvier girl. They like a little more to hold onto. Other guys like a girl who's a bit more petite. Maybe he himself is more on the petite size and he likes a girls that fits (or is shorter than he is). 

Let's flip this...would it be wrong to think that girls like different kinds of guys? Some girls like bigger guys, be it muscle bulk or teddy bears. Other girls like the leaner man, be he lean a built or a little more gangly. To each her own, right? Are we going to fault men for liking girls who have a little more booty?
I think not.

3. "I'm bringing booty back,
go head and tell them skinny bitches that."

This one seems to be a REAL BIG issue. Because, of course, to call anyone a skinny bitch is rude and skinny shaming and how dare she, right?
Wrong.
For one, I like to think of "A Diva's Christmas Carol" when Ebony Scrooge calls Kathy Griffin's Ghost of Christmas past a "skinny bitch" and Kathy's response is .
"Gasp! You really think I look skinny?"

(Is bitch the nicest word on the street? No, of course not. Much like other slanderous words, it's used to reference a certain type of person. In this case, women. I'm not going to focus on whether or not music and TV should use offensive language to reference someone in their own group - like the n-word or bitch etc)

The whole line isn't being referenced.

"I'm bringing booty back.
Go 'head and tell them skinny bitches that.
Nah, I'm just playin' I know y'all think you're fat.
But I'm here to tell you every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top."

When you fill in the rest, I find it hard to believe someone can be offended. Meghan is saying "We all have issues, but you're just as beautiful as anyone else."

4. "No I won't be no stick figure, silicone Barbie doll.
So if that's what you're into just go 'head and move along."

This is the other hot-button lyric. The argument that "Bass" is dissing skinny girls and calling us Barbie dolls (which is apparently very offensive) and insinuating that we aren't real (silicone). 

Nope.
I've never once felt like this lyric applied to me. Not once. 

I, personally, have always felt this lyric focuses on the societal expectation of what women should be--the photoshopped, airbrushed image that no one actually can live up to.

Look at any magazine. The women in them are stick figures. They look like Barbie Dolls. They don't look real. 

Society also makes women feel like they need augmentation to be beautiful. The silicone effect, if you will. You aren't good enough if you aren't super skinny WITH large boobs. You need the perfect nose, the perfect hair, the best teeth.

"Bass" is asserting that this image won't be met. Meghan is going to be Meghan, and that's not going to be in line with the airbrushed image. She's not going to be what society demands of women.
And if you're into that airbrushed thing? Well you can move along.

Same goes for me. If you expect me to have the perfect waist, no cellulite, firm thighs and perky bust just because I'm skinny, you can keep on going. I'm not going to starve myself or have surgical implantations made in order to look like a Kardashian or a skinny model who never eats. 
You can just keep moving. That ain't me.


Despite being a very different body type from Meghan Trainor, I feel "Bass" still applies to me. I can completely agree with the idea behind the lyrics, even if I am not "all about that bass" in my own body type (admittedly I'm still "no treble"). 

I think throwing Meghan Trainor under a bus just for singing a song that led her to fame and called curvy beautiful is an ugly thing to do. When a woman finally stands up and says she won't take on the burden of "bigger is ugly or wrong", and other women call foul and tear her down? That's not sisterhood. That's not beautiful.

Meghan Trainor, you're an Effing Swan. There's no ugly duckling syndrome here - except perhaps, in the women who feel the need to taint this young vixen's rise to fame. I take WAY more issue with One Direction's "What Makes You Beautiful."

As for me and my skinny self? I'm going to keep rocking out to "All About that Bass" whenever I feel like it. And probably "Title" too. 

Now I'm a Believer - Swanitude Part 4

Currently humming The Monkees "I'm a Believer"

For my other posts in identity click here (part 1) or here (part 2).

IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE POST BEFORE TODAY'S GO READ THAT NOW! By clicking this sentence. 

Continuation of my journey into the lies of my identity. I just talked about cutting others down to avoid them knowing what I think about them.

I want to go deeper into that.

Somewhere, along the way when I was young, I was taught to believe (by my peers and some teachers) that my opinion wasn't wanted. I can pinpoint several instances when:

• My opinion on books, movies, or music wasn't worth a damn. I was a fool who didn't know good taste.
• My feelings about individuals was against the norm (you can't like them or be their friend! They're weird!)
• My affections towards members of the opposite sex were unwanted (ewwww gross! Kelsey likes you? Ewwww!)

My opinion was met with rejection. I found my value in other's thoughts on MY PERSONALITY!  I put my stock in how they saw me and conformed to what they wanted to see!

It stemmed so far into my being that I truly believe(d) that my feelings, affections, self, aren't wanted. No man could ever want my affections and all friends would pity me because I am 
A) not pretty enough
B) not sexy enough
C) not funny enough
D) not worth enough

ALL LIES!
Now, I know this in my head.  The head is a great thing that can contain so much truth, but sometimes our selves..the emotional beings that we are (our hearts, if you will) can't connect with our brains.

My brain knows I'm awesome, because God made us all awesome. My brain knows I would be a blessing (and let's be honest, occasionally a curse) to any man. 
My heart can't get on board.  My heart can't fathom why anyone would love me, because how could I be worth loving? I was told (by people who I shouldn't have been listening to) when I was young that I wasn't what a man would ever want or what anyone would want as a friend.

So now when I sit across the table (or across the room) from a beautiful man, I can't express to him my appreciation of his:
A) Beauty
B) Kindness
C) Humor
D) Nerdiness (is this one only super attractive to me? I didn't think so. Stand up, nerdy girls)
E) Worth that God sees in him (and God has shown to me as well)

Now, no man needs MY approval any more than I need a man's (or a woman's. We've got God's and frankly that's all we need. Believing it, again, is the trick. I know, broken record. Sorry)

I have been a cruel person because I have been so low on myself.  I have brought others lower because I didn't want them to know how I truly felt. 

I've crushed dreams. I've broken hearts. I've hurt people.
All without meaning to.
All without realizing it.

All because I wasn't capable of seeing I was worth something or that my words could hurt. That my opinion could crush someone just as much as someone else's opinion once hurt me.

It's a journey, and I'm not the only one on it.

It's my identity, but I'm not the only one who doesn't know who she (or he) is. 

In my own little bubble, I've knocked others down. I haven't pointed out the glory in others. I haven't told my brother every day how much he amazes me in his kindness and social prowess (he can make friends with anyone and make them feel good about themselves).
I haven't told my mother how selfless she is in her giving and how her heart is what draws other people to her.
I haven't told my niece that her boisterous energy might earn criticism, but that she shouldn't ever lose her love for life because her joy brings others joy.

I haven't told my best friends that they are beautiful...good moms...talented...worth every breath.
I haven't told any man who has an affect on my heart that his ability to listen and care for others is worth an elephant's weight in gold...nay...one thousand elephants' weight in gold. Seriously, that's so important and I wonder if he knows it about himself. 

I haven't told these people, because I've been so consumed in who I thought I was, that I didn't realize part of who I am is reminding others who they are.
Because you are me.
(I know, it's confusing, I'm still embracing it myself).

We're all on the same journey, but when we focus solely on ourselves we miss the hurting people around us and hurt each other.  When we focus on our lies, we don't listen to the truths others are giving us, and instead we spew more lies without meaning to.

I am the swan, not the ugly duckling.
I will bless (and curse) a man someday should I find one who walks the same path as me (run the race, equally yoked. All that jazz). 
I will bless my brothers and sisters with the truths about them, so that when they are dealing with the lies, they will have little nuggets God wanted them to have in their brains...little whispers that sound like my voice reminding them that THEY ARE LOVED. 

I will remind you, if you need me to, that you have so many amazing qualities...and so many lies that you're believing.

I will spend the rest of my life getting rid of these lies in order to believe the truth God wants me to have. Come with me.

Now tell me...what lies are you going to stop believing?Shout out to all of my fellow Swans. Tweet if you can relate using #Swanitude (because it's fun and funny and true).

Guys, something AMAZING is coming on May 19th called The Choosing by Rachelle Dekker. It's all about identity and figuring out where you belong and the lies we listen to.
You've already been chosen. You are already loved.

Ew! - Swanitude Part 2

In Part 1 (Stop Lying!), I talked about a friendship that I recently realized (thank you ReWrite 2015) was super abusive and started a lot of the lies I believe today.

"I'm the pretty one. You're the funny one."

That sentence set me up for a world of failure because in the moment my friend (whom I truly don't blame...she had her own lies that led to this) said this to me, I believed it.

This conversation was in regards to boys. Boys liked my friend (because, let's be honest, she is beautiful. That will never change nor should it) just from first meeting. As an extrovert, she also had an outgoing personality that interacted well with the opposite sex.

I, on the other hand, was kind of the ugly duckling. Awkward, didn't love having to wash and dry my hair, gangly, and buck-toothed. I was the funny one. The friend. Boys didn't like me, they considered me one of them.

I grew up, but I never stopped believing that I was still that little duckling. I never saw that, along the way, I'd turned into a swan.

I can write this today because - despite the lies that still try to drag me down - today, a handsome young man reminded me of the truth I already know.
I am the swan. I HAVE TO remember this, because no man can teach me this. I have to know this for myself.
It's a truth I'm trying to accept for myself, and sometimes people can help you accept truths.

Today I went to lunch with one of my best friends, Esca (or Rachelle, but I call her Esca).  Let me tell you how amazingly beautiful my friend is....wait, no, just look at this photo.

Photo Credit: Kelsey Keating 

There, now you KNOW how amazingly gorgeous she is. Because she is!
We went to grab a quick lunch at Five Guys and a handsome young worker took our order and interacted in a friendly could-have-been-flirty-if-we-had-more-time way.
But it wasn't just directed at the modelesque Rachelle.  I was included.
Because I'm a swan, too.

In that moment, I was reminded that I grew up. I'm a grown up, lovely woman. Why do I ever have a hard time believing this?
See, even as I type it, I have to stop that lie that says "Don't be vain. You're hardly worth looking at."

That's the voice I'm battling every. single. day. As if thinking well of myself isn't being "humble".

Are you kidding me?
My Brosef is a humble human being. He doesn't waste his time using vanity or puffery.  He just is awesome and is humble in his amazing accomplishments.
Does my brother walk around calling himself ugly or lowly because that's "humility"?
Hell no!
My brother knows he's a handsome guy, friendly, awesome, and worth knowing. He knows he's worthwhile and that isn't vanity.

He tries to tell me I have to think the same way.
I'm working on it.

This is my struggle. This is what I'm facing.

I'm facing me.
I'm facing the "Who I think I am" and knocking her on her ass.
She's not me! She's an impostor!
It will take time, and it's going to be a hard battle, but when I win...

I'll love me as much as I'm supposed to. I'll know me.
I'll know who I am, my identity.
It's a journey.
Half the battle is realizing that there are lies.
I'm already there. I just have to start believing the truth and not faking it.
I am my Father's daughter (the God who is your father too. You are me) and I am beautiful.
Maybe if I say it every day, I'll realize it's true (isn't that like a rule somewhere?)

So to hell with the lies. I'm the beautiful daughter of my Father God, and he doesn't screw up. He made me beautiful.
You don't think I'm beautiful? Well what the **** do I care what you think?
That's right.  That's part of the truth to work on.

My worth isn't found in you.

YOUR worth, isn't found in me.

So tell me (if you're brave enough)...do you ever forget that you are beautiful?

Shout out to all of my fellow Swans. Tweet if you can relate using #Swanitude (because it's fun and funny and true).
Part 3 is coming March 11 - stay tuned and thanks for joining