Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Dueling Desires

I'm often of two minds.  I find myself saying contradictory things more often than I'd like.  The problem is, a lot of the contradictions are true.  Like a starburst candy, I seem to be two things at once, but without one of the contradictions I wouldn't be who I am.

I'll start here.  I live in a smaller city.  I live at home in a very comfortable arrangement with my family.  I don't pay rent, I don't buy groceries (unless I choose to).  I'm pampered and spoiled.  I love my family, and don't want to leave them.  I see no reason to spend money to live on my own in Chardeau when I am so happy where I am.


I want to live on my own.  Not just on my own...I want to live in Ireland, England, or New York. Okay, less New York than the other two.  I want to be somewhere and apart of something else.  I want to go to my adorable stone cottage home after running to the market, plop down my bags, and sit at my quaint little desk to write.  I want to have friends with accents I would die to have, but also have a place where when I get back it's just mine.


But I don't want to move.  The money, effort, change, fear, and lack of true commitment mean I don't go to these places I want to go.  I have a job, a family, a life, and friends.  I don't want to drop them all to go off and live in a place where I'd be lonely and probably cry myself to sleep nightly.  So then, I can't go alone.  Therefore, I can't live alone.

So you say to me "Don't go to live there, then.  Save your money and go visit there with a friend.  That way you aren't alone and yet you still get to go to these places.  Better yet, make it a long vacation and you'll get to feel like you really did live there."
Then I get to my next contradiction, which is more of a conflict.

I love vacations and being somewhere else.  I thoroughly enjoy being in a new place and experiencing the way they live...especially if I can be there long enough to feel like I'm a part of that world.  In Hawaii, I love the easy feeling of walking most places.  I'm not huge on the Ocean, but I like knowing where places are.  When I was in the South, I enjoyed the different layout of the land and seeing the older more colonial buildings.
When (yes WHEN) I go to Europe, I want to spend enough time there to know where the local cafes and best restaurants are.  I want to be able to stay in a flat, not a hotel.  I want to someday know what it's like to feel like a New Yorker.


I HATE TRAVELING!  Or perhaps you could say traveling hates me.  It seems there is no way for me to travel that I walk out of feeling good.  I get carsick, airsick...seasick if the boat is small enough.  I've never traveled by train, so I don't know how I would handle that one.
I don't do well in circulated air or gross food (which is all you have when in airports).  The longer the flight the less likely I'm going to be a happy (healthy) camper.  The destination is almost always worth it, but a big reason why I've never been further than Mexico (by boat) or Canada (by car) is because I don't want to take the 24 hours of travel (by air).
I know I couldn't fly alone.  I'd be far too miserable.

So how am I ever going to get to these places if it takes a day to recover?  I guess I'll just have to plan an extra day's vacation.

Last. For now.  I want to get married.  Surely and truly that's something I've always wanted for my life.  I have never seriously thought that it would NEVER happen.  I may have had times where I didn't want it, but I always assumed it still would.  As a matter of fact, I'd much rather be married sooner than later.  I'd rather have that person in my life at a younger age, and to have several years together until we decided to have kids.  That way (in my head this makes sense) I could still be a younger mom.  I don't want to have my first kid at over 30.


There are so many things I want to do!  I want to travel. I want to live on my own *eventually*.  I want to be successful enough to support myself.  I want to be published and supporting myself through my writing.  My heart cries out for adventure, for fun, for a LIFE!  These things are things that, yes, could still happen when I was married.  However, the likelihood of me taking these risks, jumps, or adventures when I have to consider the cost it would take on the love of my life....well...I'm told it's less likely.

So what do I do?  I have all of these dueling desires in my heart crying out for satisfaction.  I don't have the money to make any of the travel I suppose that's out of the question (my heart breaks a bit).  I haven't a boyfriend, so I'm not too concerned about marriage getting in the way of anything yet....but then again, I don't have a boyfriend, so marriage is still a far way away for me (aw, sad).

My brain is broken, but, you know what?  I kind of like it the way it is.  I want these things.  I truly want them.  All I need now is the motivation to make them happen.  I've written two books (plus some) and that takes plenty of motivation.  If I can do that, I can find a way (and a friend) to Europe.  I can figure out a way to end up in a cottage or a flat instead of a hotel, I CAN get what I want.

I just have to figure out how!


Anonymous said...

Ahh Kelsey,

I've been thinking a lot of those kinds of things lately. Good to know I am not alone. Personally I vote on all of us moving to Franklin and taking over. The airport is less than an hour away for us to go traveling. Best part about life though that I have found even more than that its unpublished, its also extremely unpredictable. Just when you don't think (insert impossible event here) is going to happen, you turn around and walk straight into it. I can't wait to hear about how you walk straight into it!

The Peacemaker said...

On the subject of marriage, finding my fiance has opened a lot of doors for me. The travel/don't travel conflict especially. I hate going anywhere alone, and I love getting a feel for the locale. Well, he's a Marine (or will be), and we'll be moving a lot, possibly to places I've wanted to go. Plus he's more adventurous than I am, so where I might be happy just dreaming about things, he gives me an extra push to go and do them. He's also the biggest fan of my writing, and wants me to pursue it.
Not saying that's how it'll go for you, just that it'll work out. ^.^

Anonymous said...

I think the best thing that you could possibly do for yourself right now is to go to Europe, or New York, or Wisconsin for that matter. Not on vacation, but for an extended period of time. Get away, get on your own, get some life experience and start becoming your own person. Get into trouble, and learn how to deal with it. Your life is too comfortable (yes that is possible). There is very little uncertainty, very little danger, and very little change. It's evident in your life, and it's evident in your writing as well. And your excuses for not doing it are just that... excuses. You have a full time job, and next to nothing for expenses. In short order you could afford it. No boyfriend, no real need to stay. your family will be here when you get back, and if you don't do it then you will kick yourself the rest of your life for not going. There will never be a better time to make this happen. Never. Do it, and don't let anyone talk you out of it. I think it's about time for you to start your life.