Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Playing Paranoia

It's one of those days.  Ever have them?

You know the kind - the ones where things go wrong.  The ones where only one thing has to tip your scale towards negativity, and then you are paranoid about everything.

Today is one of those  days.

I received the unfortunate and horrible news of an acquaintances passing today. He was in an accident. No survivors.
He's only been married two months. His beautiful, charming wife is now a widow before reaching twenty-five years of age.
He had the uncanny ability to find out what mattered to someone and ask them about that when he spoke to them.

He always asked me about my writing.

Today I grieve for his wife. I know he's dancing (or maybe more appropriately, flying) with Jesus, but it's those left behind who need our prayers and our thoughts.

His death tipped me into gloom. My own brain and enemy have found new ways to take that and make me think the world is out to get me.

Which becomes part two, or rather "Today I'm paranoid and the things that I can't allow myself to believe":

  • When someone doesn't text you back - okay, nobody likes being ignored. But on a day like today, not getting a text back after taking the chance to be heartfelt and/or honest (I went with honest. Maybe that was the mistake) starts to make the little voices in your head chant unkind things.
  • Things like "You're stupid. They don't like you. Nobody likes you." - A TOTAL moment for the enemy to swoop in and drag you down.
  • You combat that with caffeine. 
  • That caffeine wires you and now you're trying to figure out if you're bouncing off the wall, or about to have a sugar coma.
  • When you talk to someone and they casually nod and offer no return and suddenly you're thinking "oh shoot! What'd I say wrong?"
  • When you blog about your insecurities and realize "I can't share this anywhere! I can't let people know I'm crazy!"
  • When you post that blog anyway, because you're a blogger and that is what bloggers do.
  • When you are traveling to see a friend in a month and start to get panicky about planes, work, and whether or not that friend will hate you after you're their house guest.
  • When you keep checking your phone because the people (plural) that you texted are STILL not texting you back.
  • The ones you emailed aren't emailing you back either (different people, for the record. I am not THAT crazy...yet).
  • When you write out letters to express how you feel, then shred them or hide them in a drawer to never see the light of day.
  • When you're too scared to share who you are.

Ah, poignancy. I've reached you.
Here's the truth:
I'm terrified to share myself with people.
That's funny when I run a personal blog.
But I can't see you. I can't see your rejection. I don't have to hear it. I can "delete" the comment (can't unsee it though).
IN person, I'm a guarded mess.  I'm always afraid they'll leave me.
So when they don't text back, I figure I'm annoying. When they don't email, I'm frustrating.
When they nod but don't verbally respond...I'm wasting their time.

I call this ridiculous (hopefully) paranoia Life Draining Paranoia, or LDP.
LDP can hit anyone at anytime (mainly women).  LDP can create fear, depression, and so many other things.

LDP isn't real.
Paranoia is in your mind. It's how you think. It's allowing the negativity of your own self consume you. Allowing the enemy to win.
Go to war. Take down LDP.  It doesn't work always.  It doesn't make things perfect or suddenly sunshine and unicorns and rainbows...
But if you give up the fight, why will others fight for you? 

This is probably the least coherent I've ever blogged, and that's saying something.  I feel better, though, so I'm pleased with the result.

Ever suffer from LDP? Do you play with paranoia? 
Do you have your own sorts of crazy you're brave enough to share here?
I did, so you know I have no room to judge.


Call Me Heretic said...

Did you crawl into my brain and steal my file marked "Irrational Insecurities"?
Though, I've partially gotten over this. I now know that my friends are as scatterbrained and unobservant as I am with schedules that are just as messed up. Typically if they don't respond a)they're busy b) they're asleep c) they missed it or d) they forgot to respond or e) they forgot to send the text and are now wondering why I haven't responded.

Caleb Scotson said...

It is very sad news about the passing of a friend. I will definitely pray for his family.

Most people that know me would not guess that I live in a similar world myself. Your statement, "I'm terrified to share myself with people," I know too well.

I personally have a little notebook that I have started to carry around to write down any "LDP" events and then write out the truth to combat them.

Thanks for your honest blogging and I hope you are feeling better now.

Anonymous said...

I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only paraniod and insecure person out there. Just the most insecure person out there (at least that's what I tell myself in those quiet, alone moments).
So sorry for your loss. Peace to you and all who knew him.
Chad Flohr (couldn't get my google+ to load so I'm signing it this way)

Kelsey-plain and simple said...

Thanks for your honesty, everyone :)
It's good to know we aren't alone!

Prayers for this young man's family would be appreciated. I was not his friend, just an acquaintance, but the city is in pain.